Dear Abby: Navigating Family Visits During Illness

Dear Abby: My husband is dealing with cancer, and while there are some good days, there are also many tough ones. He’s not done fighting, but he really can’t take care of himself right now. We’re swamped with doctor visits and treatments—14 in just this month alone.

His kids from out of town want to come visit him, which is understandable. I get that. But how do I arrange these visits without overwhelming myself with extra responsibilities? I’ve tried setting some boundaries, but not everyone seems to listen. One of his children, who is around 50, just doesn’t take my limits seriously. They want to come for the whole day, and it’s left to me to handle meals, drinks, and keep an eye on both my husband’s breaks and my own.

I attempted to limit the visit to a few days instead of a week, but that didn’t go over well. Now, this child wants to stay for a whole month. I’m feeling overwhelmed. Please help. — Utah State Administrator

Dear Administrator: It’s frustrating that this adult child is ignoring both your and your husband’s wishes. It might have been helpful to know where you’re accommodating them, but frankly, they shouldn’t be staying at your house. They need to find a hotel and take charge of their own meals.

Your husband may want to help in some way, but it’s essential to take breaks when needed. Make it clear when it’s time to step away. This child should be willing to contribute, whether that’s shopping for groceries, doing laundry, or transporting their dad to doctor appointments.

Setting boundaries can be tough, but once you do, you’ll likely feel relieved that you stood your ground.

Dear Abby: Gift Giving Dilemmas

Dear Abby: My mom loves giving gifts and spends a lot of time selecting and wrapping things for the family. She’s retired and lives on a fixed income, yet she still splurges on us during the holidays, only to ask for money soon after.

I’ve started returning a lot of her gifts, keeping the money for when she inevitably asks for it back. She gets really upset when I do this. Meanwhile, she doesn’t seem to consider cutting back; in her mind, giving gifts and her financial struggles are two separate issues. It’s hard to deny her cash when she can’t cover basic expenses like rent or food.

How do I get her to realize that the best gift would be to live within her means and that I shouldn’t feel obligated to repay her? — There Is No Better Gift Than This

Dear More: Even if trying to stop your mom from giving gifts has proven ineffective, changes in her behavior are unlikely. This is who she is. It’s best to continue navigating this as you’ve been doing, even if it’s a hassle. You might also suggest she look into part-time work to boost her income, if that’s an option.