DEAR ABBY: I’m a mother to a wonderful 30-year-old son, Caleb. He’s married and has a good job, and he seems genuinely happy. We share a tight bond, and he thinks his dad and I—married for 35 years—are just great. He was also very close to his grandmother, who passed away recently. Caleb adored her, and she certainly showered him with love and attention.
However, what he doesn’t know is that Grandma wasn’t the best parent. She left my emotionally distant father to marry someone else, effectively tearing our family apart. My mother urged me to rush through high school, pushing me to go to college when I wasn’t ready. I struggled, ultimately failing, and then she pressured me into marrying an abusive partner at just 20 years old, just so she could move on with her new life. I got divorced after two years of enduring violence, which she was aware of long before the wedding. She displayed selfishness and manipulation right to the end, which Caleb never witnessed.
Now, he’s asking me to share my life story for one of those “Mom, Tell Me About Your Life” projects. Honestly, I’m at a loss for words. If I tell him about my previous marriage, it’ll definitely surprise him, but the questions around why it happened could be really tough. I don’t want to lie, yet I also don’t want to shatter his image of his grandma. My husband thinks I should just keep it simple, but I feel that would leave out the truth. What do I do? — TROUBLED PAST
DEAR TROUBLED PAST: I extend my condolences on your mother’s passing, even if your relationship wasn’t ideal. Caleb is mature enough to grasp your reluctance to discuss certain aspects of your life. You could explain that you and your mother had a complicated relationship and that you’d rather not burden him with the unpleasant parts. If he pushes further, you might mention that those memories are painful and not something you wish to revisit.
DEAR ABBY: I thought I was having a confidential conversation with my husband on my daughter’s porch. Unfortunately, my daughter overheard some unkind remarks I made about her through her new home security system, and she was deeply hurt.
I’ve apologized and explained it wasn’t intended for her to hear. At 77, my memory isn’t what it used to be, and I completely forgot she’d installed the system. Since then, there’s been no communication despite me sending birthday cards. She has no children, but she’s managed to persuade her sister and her sister’s kids to cut ties with us. What should I do? — BIG MOUTH IN GEORGIA
DEAR BIG MOUTH: I’m sorry to hear about your situation, but you didn’t specify what prompted the rift between you and your family. It’s hard to understand why you’d speak negatively about your daughter in her own space unless there were already issues between you two.
You can apologize as often as you like, but there’s no assurance she’ll accept your apology. In the future, consider adhering to the advice of Benjamin Franklin, who suggested, “I will speak ill of no man, and speak all the good I know of everybody.” This is especially true when it comes to family.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren. This column has been running for decades, originally founded in 1956 by her mother, Pauline Phillips. For correspondence, reach Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 270135, Kansas City, MO 64127.
