Parenting Advice: Navigating Friend Group Breakups

Care and Feeding is a column focused on parenting advice.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m seeking guidance on how to discuss a recent friend group breakup with my children, ages 9 and 11. We belong to a close-knit community of four families at our synagogue—let’s call them families A, B, C, and D. Our gatherings are typically enjoyable and laid-back.

Recently, after some families left for the night, including C and D, the situation escalated. Afterward, family A’s husband and family B’s wife were caught in a compromising situation by family A’s wife.

This incident led to quite a bit of drama, and now my kids are aware that something has gone awry. They have been asking questions. We told them that couple A had a severe disagreement, and it’s unlikely they will stay together. When they inquired about family B’s involvement, I confirmed it and explained that they are no longer friends.

The kids seem baffled since these two families were incredibly close, and this situation is hard for them to wrap their heads around. I hesitate to explain the details of the infidelity because I don’t want them to harbor negative feelings toward the adults involved. There are complexities here that kids might not fully understand, and I definitely don’t want them sharing gossip at our temple. I hinted that this was “adult stuff,” but that line didn’t ease their concerns.

I feel compelled to share something with them. I’m trying to stay neutral in this situation while still wanting to maintain friendships with all parties, even if the group dynamic will inevitably change. This shift is likely to impact the kids the most. Any advice would be appreciated!

—Yikes

Dear Yikes,

Though labeling this as “adult stuff” didn’t seem effective, maybe reiterating that it’s also “other families’ stuff” could help. Emphasize that it’s not appropriate to delve into the specifics of others’ lives, much like we wouldn’t want outside parties scrutinizing ours. While it’s natural for them to be curious, it’s essential for them to understand that not everything is meant for their ears.

Kids often chat about what they know, and it’s possible you’ve already disclosed too much. This situation can be a valuable opportunity to discuss supporting friends in need. Encourage them to think about whether any of their peers seem upset about the changes, and consider how they can help. This can empower your children as they navigate their friendships—they probably just want to be supportive! You might even suggest specific ways they can show they care. This way, you and your spouse can sidestep the drama.

—Arionne

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