question My daughter is 34 now and she wants to become a teenager againbecause she feels she missed the fun she was supposed to have at the time. I think she looks over 16, so she hates her appearance. She wants Cosmetic surgery and orthodontics.
She wants to experience college life as fresh again, and has young fun, but she doesn't want it because she's too old. She wants to make money and have independence, but she is afraid of that. She relies on her mother and me and has no interest Get a job. She doesn't go out and has no friends. She's not interested in her and spends most of her time comparing her to teenage social media idols.
My daughter says she wants to die if she can't return to being a teenager. It's very easy to say the wrong thing. Then she has a horrifying fit that screams in fury.
She tried both medication and treatment, but nothing went well for her. What can you do?
Philippa answers Your daughter's life sounds like it's online. There, curated idealized images may give her a sense of heterogeneity and inadequacy in her body. Her actions, or omissions, appear to be motivated by external references. Instead of relying on her own senses and experiences to guide her decisions, she appears to be using too much imagination about what others may think and feel about her. This distorted external reference can maintain her paralysis as she attempts to meet an imaginary ideal or preemptive imaginary judgment. Moving towards internal references allows her to embrace her senses, experiences and values, rather than being dominated by her assumptions about others' opinions. Staying on external references is a recipe for anxiety and depression.
She doesn't seem to have acquired the necessary life skills yet, frustration, flexibility, problem-solving, and tolerance for empathy. Many people learn these skills earlier, but it takes longer for others. The good news is that they are all learnable and your daughter can develop them at her own pace with the right support.
I am also concerned about her isolation and the thoughts of suicide. She appears to be caught up in a cycle of comparing herself to others at a disadvantage, and her online space is getting worse. Many experts may suggest a diagnosis of autism, borderline personality disorder, ADHD, bipolar disorder, and more. Labels can help contextualize behavior, but I think we should focus on equipping her with the tools and skills she needs to move forward, regardless of the label.
Group therapy, especially in a residential setting, could help her start this process. In this environment, she has the opportunity to interact with others, practice essential skills, and build trust in the relationship. Facilities such as Priory Hospital in Roehampton and Nightingale Hospital in London offer structured programs that help them develop the social and emotional skills needed for personal development. Or maybe she'll benefit from something like that Hoffman Process – A week-long residential and intensive care course. All of these treatments require money and self-motivation from her. Treatment is not a passive treatment, it is not a cream that rubs against the rash, it requires work by the patient.
Your daughter's fear of independence may be linked to her lack of belief in her ability to cope. She needs to understand that independence does not mean that she is completely self-sufficient. Humans are interdependent. We are healthy and relying on each other in mutual ways.
It is also important to distinguish between “rescue” and “support.” Rescue involves doing what she can for herself, such as managing her finances. The rescue strengthens her dependence and undermines her confidence in her abilities. In contrast, supporting means encouraging people to be responsible for their lives while providing encouragement and becoming a safety net when necessary. Family therapy helps you establish and maintain boundaries while improving communication. By returning from rescue actions, your daughter will need to take small but meaningful steps towards independence.
Developing internal references, building skills, and learning to trust yourself and others can happen at every stage of life. These changes, although progressive, can lead to a life where she feels more grounded, competent and connected. Personally, I believe plastic surgery and orthodontic treatment will be a disaster for her. It will further entrench her external thinking of reference.
I have never met you or your daughter, so my advice is limited. I think the best option is a psychiatrist who is also a psychotherapist. Whether treatment works depends on the relationship between therapist and patient, so if it doesn't work for the first time, it will never do so. Using medications likewise may help with another approach.
Recommended Reading: Searching for Normality: A New Approach to Understanding Mental Health, Distress, and Neurodiversity from Samiti Mimi
If you are affected by these issues, please call Samaritan Freephone 116 123 or contact heart
Each week, Philippa Perry addresses personal issues sent by readers.
If you would like advice from Philippa, please submit the issue. Submissions are eligible for us terms of service
