Dear Abby: I’ve been married to my wife for three years now. Recently, she asked me to fix her old computer. While I was at it, she received an email from her ex, Doug, which was dated months before our wedding. The email started off normally but then turned into a rather steamy exchange.
They arranged to talk, with Doug suggesting FaceTime. Apparently, they had multiple conversations through that platform. In his follow-up emails—she insisted that he not text—he expressed his sexual feelings for her, complimenting her body and detailing what he wanted to do. It seemed like she played along with his advances. This went on for about six weeks. Doug seemed frustrated when she’d hang up, but she chose not to respond.
After their last interaction, he reached out several times, asking why she stopped responding, but eventually gave up. I noticed that he was blocked on her phone. I understand that he lives in another country, so physical distance isn’t an issue. Still, this situation is really troubling me. What should I do? — Betrayed in New York
Dear Betrayed: You need to tell your wife about the emails you found and how they made you feel. I think she realized the error of her ways and ceased those inappropriate conversations before marrying you. Since you both appear to be committed to your marriage, consider seeking help from a marriage counselor to work through these feelings. Don’t put it off.
Dear Abby: My husband tends to overreact to minor inconveniences, like when the trash can falls over or the screen door gets caught. He reacts by yelling, cursing, and slamming doors. I find it puzzling because others usually just deal with little messes calmly.
I try to help by moving things out of the way to reduce his outbursts, but it feels hopeless. I can’t stand living with such negativity over trivial matters. His voice can be heard by the neighbors, and honestly, if I were in his position, I’d be embarrassed to act that way as an adult.
What can I do? I feel like I’m stuck with this yelling forever. — In the Line of Sight
Dear In the Line of Sight: Is there something deeper bothering your husband that makes him react this way? Sometimes, people take their frustration out on those closest to them when they’re anxious about issues beyond their control. This behavior is known as “displacement.”
Understand that his inability to manage his anger is not a reflection of you. It’s not your responsibility to fix it. If you get a chance when he’s calm, maybe ask if there’s more going on and be ready to listen. Understanding the root of his anger might help you handle the situation better.
