I was half-drunk, deep into my Christmas night doom scrolling, when I noticed a Facebook friend got the worst gift I’d ever seen: a Tinder gift card.
No, that can’t be real, I thought. I did a quick Google search and alas, it exists. This sad sack got a gift card for one month free of Tinder premium … whatever that is?
Basically, free Tinder includes a bunch of restrictions on the profiles you can see. Tinder Gold removes those shackles, setting you loose on the open seas. You can navigate the dating pool like a veteran seaman, “swiping right” on endless profiles and seeing who likes you back. Should be a pretty easy way to find a girlfriend, right?
Wrong.
Tinder doesn’t really function in terms of happily-ever-after. Rather, it functions more like a low stakes casino, where the bright buttons, flashing lights and sound effects reel you in and keep you hooked. With so many options to choose from, it’s hard to settle for just one. You can scroll through hundreds of profiles until you bag a modest win — say, two drinks and back to your place — but it’s only a matter of time before you go back to chasing that big prize. Yet, with that mindset, you’re unlikely to find the long-term relationship you’re supposedly looking for, especially since everyone else on the app is thinking the same. Your profile might say 25, fit and athletic, but you’re basically an old lady glued to the slot machine.
So if you’re unlucky enough to get a Tinder Gold gift card for Christmas, it’s for one of two reasons: your parents know this, or they don’t.
If they know it, then they’re basically calling you a sad virgin. “Get out there and play the field, buck-o,” the well-meaning but awkward dad might say. But if you need this type of prodding, then it’s unlikely you’re rising to the top of the Tinder pool anyway. What good is having unlimited likes if no one likes you back? (RELATED: Instagram Model Luna Benna Claims Tinder Banned Her From The App)
WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA – AUGUST 28: View of the Tinder headquarters on the Sunset Strip on August 28, 2020 in West Hollywood, California. (Photo by AaronP/Bauer-Griffin/GC Images)
More likely, they don’t know it, and it’s a desperate plea for you to finally settle down. You might try to hide it, but your parents know you’re sneaking out for a “date” with your old high school girlfriend, whose mom just happened to inform your mom got recently divorced. So your parents give you a month of premium dating, thinking that’ll finally be enough for you to find the Right Girl and get over what relationship hang-ups you bring to Christmas every year. Little do they know that on Tinder, “Right” is short for “Right Now.”
Really, I’m not sure which one is worse, at least on the individual level. But the latter is a much bigger societal indictment of a rootless, commitment-phobic generation that just refuses to grow up. Boomers are so desperate for their kids and grandkids to procreate, that they’ll do just about anything — even buy the most pathetic gift card of all time.
