Hello everyone! Sheila Love here, stepping in as a science journalist and long-time admirer of Your Mileage May Vary while Sigal Samuel is on maternity leave. I’m here to delve into your questions, exploring human nature and our decisions through various lenses, including philosophical and psychological. If you’re grappling with emotional, physical, or life challenges, feel free to share.
As a proud mother of three and grandmother of four, I often hear conversations about my generation—yes, I’m a boomer—hoarding wealth rather than passing it down. When I think about my lifestyle, it feels like I’m at a bit of a crossroads. There’s this dilemma: should I indulge in a luxurious retirement, or save to ensure a comfortable future for my children? We’re all middle class here, so it’s not about sheer survival. The kids have college funds. But should it be my responsibility to slim down our finances as I age? I guess spending my savings on a bucket list trip just doesn’t resonate with me. How do I find a balance between treating myself and saving for those who come after me?
It’s good to know you’re not in a financial survival situation, but you’re undoubtedly feeling financial constraints. You can’t splurge on retirement luxuries while also ensuring there’s enough saved for your kids and grandkids.
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This back-and-forth feeling you’re experiencing seems to be quite challenging. You correctly identify that the instinct is to save as much as possible for your children while grappling with what feels like a zero-sum game with your golden years.
I’d like to introduce an unexpected voice in this discussion: John Maynard Keynes. He famously said, “Don’t save money!” He argued that when times are tough, the instinct is to hoard cash, but this can lead to what he termed the paradox of thrift. If everyone saves, no one spends, and thus, nobody makes money, potentially dragging out a recession. In the end, frugality can ironically shrink savings even further.
When considering your family’s financial dynamics, think of it as a small-scale economy. Traditionally, inheritance meant holding back a significant portion of assets for your children. But is there merit in reassessing this wait? Could delaying actually be detrimental to your family’s financial health?
In earlier generations, inheritances would often be passed down much sooner. We’re living longer nowadays—more than a decade longer than average in the mid-20th century—which raises new issues about when and how much we should transfer our resources.
It seems families are now waiting decades to enjoy life post-retirement, often as their adult children grapple with major financial burdens, like buying homes or raising kids—all while striving to save.
This doesn’t necessitate giving away every dollar you have for your family’s enjoyment. Keynes wasn’t anti-saving—he argued that spending stimulates the economy. Perhaps find ways to spend money that invigorates your family’s internal economy…and makes your retirement more enjoyable.
For instance, investing in lakefront property could be a fantastic way to spread your wings. This asset could appreciate over time, be sold for profit, or simply serve as a pleasant spot for family summers. Alternatively, maybe support your children in purchasing a home with a comfy guest suite or back their budding business ventures. Spending in these avenues can feel less like merely saving and more like fulfilling personal desires while also nurturing your family’s future wealth.
One hidden benefit of this non-traditional inheritance approach is that it may grant you more time with your family, improving your relationships along the way. Aristotle noted in Nicomachean Ethics that friendships can be formed for practical reasons, but those based on pleasure or virtue are far more lasting. Keeping finances separate can foster a utilitarian relationship; engaging in meaningful projects together can deepen bonds and foster virtue.
And speaking of relationships, you don’t have to navigate these decisions alone.
You referenced an intriguing notion in your query. It almost sounds like you’re wrestling with the idea of sacrificing personal indulgence for your family’s financial comfort. Much of the discussion about generational wealth focuses on whether parents should pass on money, but we seldom consider the moral complexities involved. Why should parents give money to their children?
Thinking more deeply about this can help clarify our mutual obligations.
Confucius had profound insights regarding our duties to family. He argued that we exist in a web of relationships—mother, daughter, sister—and each role comes with expectations and responsibilities. He believed that fulfilling these familial duties leads to a more functional and harmonious society. Filial piety, the respect and care owed to parents and ancestors, is central to this philosophy.
While filial piety has faced criticism for its strictness and expectation of obedience, the concept of mutual filial piety has emerged. In this view, children feel gratitude toward their parents, wishing to reciprocate care and kindness.
As someone with a mixed cultural background, I find it fascinating that in many Western contexts, discussions often center on what parents owe their children, but less about the reciprocal obligations.
You mentioned your family’s future plans for caring for you or their sense of indebtedness to you—this wasn’t highlighted. If you opt to embrace a Keynesian approach within your family, it might be worthwhile to engage in a Confucian dialogue, exploring not just what you owe, but also the gratitude towards one another.
Ultimately, let’s reflect on how our family strength isn’t just about financial numbers, but in the diverse ways we choose to care for each other.
Bonus: What I’m Reading
- I believe it’s a good idea to keep a copy of Confucius’ writings nearby. There’s so much wisdom packed in there. Recently, I read about harmonious interactions—“A gentleman harmonizes without echoing; a mean man harmonizes without echoing.” The takeaway? Don’t just replicate what others do; real harmony thrives on complementary interactions, just like the varied voices in a choir.
- Thinking about aging, I found an intriguing piece in The New Yorker about death doulas. It’s a reminder that support can come from beyond our immediate family during life’s hardest transitions.
- And for something fun, I enjoyed an inquiry about left-handedness by Natalie Wolchover that dives into biases and history. It suggests that perhaps people favored their right hands due to battle advantages.
