question I grew up in a supportive and well-meaning family, but one that lacked love and warmth. I know that my parents love me in their own way and that they are funny and kind even in the cold.
I can show love towards my daughters, but I know that I have inherited their traits. In other ways. I I only have a few close friends. I know that my sense of humor and perspective may seem cold and cynical. I'm not good at small talk.
My inability to feel safe around people has had a huge impact on my life and my daughter's life. At the school gate, I see other parents hugging, chatting, and even arranging to meet up, and I'm perplexed as to how we reached the friendship stage so quickly. I get ignored most of the time, but even if I try to ignore it Stay on the periphery of the conversation to chat.
Feeling awkward and shy, as if there is something unpleasant about you. I wear makeup all the time because I'm insecure about the way I look, which I'm sure other moms find uncomfortable too.. My daughter's school has already voiced concerns about her social aspects and her struggle to make friends beyond her small group. I'm worried that I'm not demonstrating these skills to her enough. How can I become a warmer, more secure, more approachable person?
Philippa's answer You seem to have lived a life steeped in a kind of quiet, reserved love, and although you were aware of the love that existed in your home, your expression of it was constrained and suppressed by emotional hesitance. It seems that it was. Despite your best intentions, it has entered your life.
The fact that you can show love to your daughter is already great. It's evidence of your awareness, your ability to break the cycle, and perhaps your desire to give her what you yourself wanted. But you also seem to have inherited an emotional armor, a kind of self-protective barrier that makes it difficult to connect with others. Especially in casual relationship moments that seem so easy to some people.
I know what you mean when you stand at the school gate and watch other parents so easily exchanging small talk and camaraderie that you just can't get. It's easy to feel like there's something about you in that moment offBut this awkwardness you describe, this feeling of not being able to warm up to people, of being too cold, too closed off, is very human. Many of us are convinced that our insecurities are somehow being expressed to the world because we compare what we feel inside to how others see us on the outside. But the truth is, you're not the only one feeling awkward. I think you may be cold or unapproachable. I think you are a person who has learned to protect yourself. Perhaps there is a part of you that believes that removing these safeguards will leave you open to criticism, weakness, and rejection. But I think the way forward is to lean into those weaknesses and accept the very things that make us uncomfortable.
Start small. Don't overthink the interaction at the school gate. Instead of focusing on what you feel you're missing or how you're feeling, focus on the other person. Please listen. Ask how they are doing. The intent behind small talk is more important than the words themselves. And if your makeup feels like armor, consider that it may not be your face that's making you uncomfortable, but the self-consciousness hiding underneath. Self-consciousness decreases when you become interested in the other person instead of worrying about how you come across. People are attracted to openness and warmth, and I believe you have those things.
Your daughter's struggles may reflect your own, but that doesn't mean you're betraying her. You are aware of it, and that awareness is more powerful than you think. She's learning from you, but she's also her own person, navigating her own emotional realm. The most important thing is that she feels loved by you and that even though you feel emotionally restricted, love can slip through the smallest cracks.
The walls you inherited don't define you, and they don't have to stand forever. Even if you never hug a stranger at the school gate, that doesn't mean you can't form deep connections. You are already spending your time in your own way.
Be patient with yourself. There are so many people in the world who I want to hug immediately and loudly. What we need more of are people like you, people who are thoughtful, people who take the time to look at people and love them, even if quietly.
Recommended reading Taking bold action: How the courage to be vulnerable changes the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Written by Brené Brown.
Each week, Philippa Perry tackles a personal problem submitted to us by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please submit your issue to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk. Submissions are subject to our rules terms of service
